Beyond the Arch of Swords: Making Military Marriage Last

>treat your husband or wife.”
Melissa Wallace shares a tradition that she and her
Melissa Wallace of Camp Pendleton, California is ahusband used during deployments and other
tall, wispy woman, with a soft voice and gentleseparations to enrich their marriage. “We kept
smile. The wife of 25-years to a Sgt. Maj. in theindividual journals all the time. The journals were
Marine Corps, Melissa and her husband John talkwritten for each other and were like one big, long
wistfully about the life that is soon to be behindletter of all our hopes and fears and feelings.
them, as Sgt. Maj. Wallace prepares forWhenever John would go away, we’d
retirement. Melissa and John were married in 1976.exchange them. With these journals, it was
Several years later, following the birth of theiralmost like we were still together, because
first son, John enlisted in the Marine Corps inwe’d share all the day-to-day things you
hopes of finding a better life for his young family.miss out on when you’re apart. Not only
Together the Wallace’s have seen fourthat, but we always seemed to learn new, special
states, two countries and added three more sonsthings about one another we wouldn’t
to their family. They have survived two overseashave known otherwise. We still cherish these
tours, one that was unaccompanied, and anbooks years later. It’s like a chronicle of
average of three deployments a year for the lasthow far we’ve come in our marriage.”
20 years. They celebrated their silver anniversaryStaying close is important for all couples—even
this past fall. There is no doubt that Melissa andthose separated only as far as the next room in
John have faced challenges that have crumbledthe house. Military requirements are not
lesser marriages. Yet, looking at them today,necessarily easier simply because you share the
there is no doubt they are as much in love as thesame living space. Long hours and demanding
day they married.occupational specialties coupled with family
Melissa reflects, “Throughout John’sresponsibilities, can leave even the closest couples
service to the Corps, I’ve often beenwith little time to connect. Having that connection
asked what it’s like to be married in thehowever, is the glue that sticks families together
military. At first thought, I’d reply thatthrough the trials of military life. Yet, surviving the
marriage is marriage no matter the circumstances.trials is only the first step towards a successful
But to say so would deny all the positive effectsmilitary marriage. Couples must also learn to make
the military has had on our life together, andsomething positive of the challenges and come to
there have been many. Marriage in the military isunderstand that each challenge is just another
tough. It is full of every challenge and adversityopportunity in disguise for growth, both as
you could imagine. Yet, it’s those challengesindividuals and as a couple.
that make us stronger and ultimately make ourEmily Travis chose to go back to school in her
marriage better.”husband’s absence—something she feels
Emily Travis can relate to challenges. A new brideshe would not have chosen to do otherwise.
of the military, Emily and her husband Todd are“Todd is having a multitude of new experiences
currently undergoing a six-month separation, justand I know he’ll be different because of
two months on the heels of their nuptials. Emily isthem when he comes home,” she relates.
20-years old and away from home for the first“That makes me want to have new
time in her life while her husband, Naval Pettyexperiences and better myself too. I think
Officer Travis, is “on a big, gray boat, oceansit’s important not to stagnate myself and
away.”stop growing, just because I’m waiting to
“I miss him dearly,” muses Emily, “but Ibe reunited with my husband.”
try not to dwell on that. I wouldn’t haveDeployments, separations, and even the most
chosen to have my husband away from me, butsuccessful career in the military will eventually end,
since he is, I’m taking this as anbut marriage is meant to last a lifetime. It is a
opportunity to show Todd the strength of mylesson the Wallace’s learned early. “Did
love for him. It takes real effort to nurture awe have problems? Absolutely. Were there times
relationship like ours, and I feel fortunate to haveI wanted to say it’s the Marine Corps or
the chance to prove I’ll be here for him nome? Yes. And were there times we were so
matter what, regardless of how long I have tothick in the middle of our difficulties we
wait.”couldn’t see a way out? Most definitely.
The day-to-day details of marriage military styleBut those were the times we dug in our heels
may vary, but the underlying theme is the same.and just held on. Everything changes. It was just
Marriage requires commitment, understanding anda matter of holding on until better days came,
patience, even under the best of circumstances.and when they did, we were amazed at how
The demanding circumstances of military life lendmuch closer we were for having endured
even more importance to adhering to thesetogether, and how much our marriage had been
values. Relationship expert Barbara DeAngelis,strengthened by our faith to stay.”
Ph.D., author of Real Moments, writes,A party was recently given in honor of John and
“Marriage is not a noun, it’s a verb. ItMelissa by co-workers and friends from Camp
isn’t something you get, it’sPendleton. John gave a speech about his time in
something you do...marriage is not a wedding ring,the Corps and what it meant to have Melissa by
or a piece of paper that proves you are husbandhis side the whole way. He spoke of his years of
and wife, or a party that says you’veservice, the happiness they had shared and the
been married for twenty-five years. Marriage is atears they had shed. He talked of the
behavior—it is how you love and honor yourachievements and honors he had gained in the
partner every day…it is a choice you make, notCorps. Yet, to sum up, he had only one thing to
just on your wedding day, but over and oversay. “I am the Marine,” relates John, “but
again, and that choice is reflected in the way youMelissa gives me the heart.