| The year was 2001, and my best friend was | | | | interrogating him under a 300-watt lamp - an |
| getting married. The ceremony was being held in | | | | incident that again involved the two machetes. |
| a small brick building somewhere in the middle of | | | | Oddly enough, it was another incident that |
| suburban hell. My best friend looked radiant in her | | | | would've been greatly accentuated by a |
| elegant white wedding gown, of course. So why | | | | decorative sword. But that was college. |
| did I show up to her wedding dressed all in black, | | | | I had missed the ring ceremony - which was |
| carrying a machete? No, I was not dressed as a | | | | unfortunate, because I was supposed to be a |
| ninja - think of something more like a Victorian | | | | bridesmaid, but was just in time for the cake. I |
| era funeral outfit. Complete with black face | | | | had been waylaid by a Herculean effort to find |
| netting attached to my hat. I realize that Victorian | | | | my misplaced machetes - a problem that |
| era funeral-goers rarely carried machetes. But I | | | | would've been alleviated had I owned either some |
| was. I look back on that day and I realize, how | | | | form of scabbard, or perhaps even a wall mount. |
| much more classy it would have been, had I been | | | | But alas, one of the machetes was inelegantly |
| carrying a decorative sword from rather than a | | | | consigned to the back of my closet, and the |
| rusty $5 machete from the local army surplus. | | | | other was under my bed. |
| But no, I showed up to my best friend's wedding | | | | At any rate, I turned over my machete, both of |
| with a machete dressed in funeral garb because | | | | them actually, to the groomsmen, who hammed |
| she was marrying a tool and I knew it. | | | | it up for the camera, and anyone watching. But, |
| Well, truth to be told it was two machetes, but | | | | then they, in turn, handed them over to the |
| they were both still old and stained and crappy. At | | | | groom. Not the best idea, considering how little he |
| the time, (yes, in a way this was before the | | | | cared for me. But, he and my friend did end up |
| internet - or at the very least, it was before | | | | cutting the wedding cake with the machete - |
| internet retail) swords were incredibly expensive | | | | much to everyone's delight. It was a fantastic |
| and the only way to get one was at the mall - at | | | | photo op. Memorable. My friend still talks about it |
| an overpriced cutlery store. Unfortunately, as a | | | | to this day. |
| struggling college student, decorative swords were | | | | But, again, it would’ve been far more pleasant |
| way out of my price range. If I'd had the means, | | | | had the machete been a stainless steel decorative |
| I would've brought something far nicer, and I | | | | sword, and not completely covered in rust. |
| probably wouldn't have bought used either. | | | | As for cutting your own wedding cake with a |
| In spite of this I was still warmly welcomed at the | | | | sword – I recommend planning ahead. Buy |
| ceremony by my friend, and by our friends...not | | | | your sword far in advance of the ceremony...why |
| by her new husband, though, he never liked me | | | | not today? That way, you can be sure to have |
| strangely enough. It must've been that whole | | | | the best experience and all the blade you need |
| incident with the tying him to the chair and | | | | for your special day! |